Where to begin. Where to begin. Hollywood would never buy the storyline playing out right now. Too far-fetched. It almost seems that with everything going on across the fruited plain, everything is so surreal. Which got me thinking. What do you suppose someone would think if they’d been in a cave somewhere for the last year or so and just emerged from the darkness? There may be a few questions that would come to mind.

CLUELESS: Hey, how come everyone’s wearing a mask?

PERSON 1: Because of Covid-19.

CLUELESS: What’s a Covid-19?

PERSON 2: It’s a Coronavirus.

CLUELESS: Okay. What’s a Coronavirus?

PERSON 1: It’s a disease that’s caused a pandemic all over the world.

CLUELESS: And it’s called Covid-19?

PERSON 2: Right.

CLUELESS: Were there 18 other Covids before this one?

PERSON 1: No, just Covid-19. COrona VIrus Disease 2019

CLUELESS: And it caused a pandemic.

PERSON 2: Yes.

CLUELESS: And so, everybody has to wear a mask?

PERSON 1: Yes. The virus is spread through the air, so to keep from getting it or giving it to someone else, everyone wears a mask.

CLUELESS: Everybody?

PERSON 2: Almost.

CLUELESS: So, how do you tell the good guys from the bad guys?

PERSON 1: Sometimes it’s hard.

CLUELESS: How long has this been going on?

PERSON 2: About a year.

CLUELESS: Where did it come from?

PERSON 1: Uh, China. But you can’t say that.

CLUELESS: Why not?

PERSON 2: It’s not politically correct.

CLUELESS: Oh. Well, speaking of politics . . .

PERSON 1: Actually, we’d rather not.

CLUELESS: Are there problems?

PERSON 2: Yeah, a few.

CLUELESS: Like what?

PERSON 1: Rioters stormed the U.S. Capitol last week.



CLUELESS: Iranians?


CLUELESS: Afghans?


CLUELESS: Then who?

PERSON 1: That would be Americans.

CLUELESS: Americans stormed the Capitol?

PERSON 2: Yes.

CLUELESS: Was it bad?

PERSON 1: Yes.

CLUELESS: What did the President do?

PERSON 2: Funny you should ask that.

CLUELESS: Is Trump still President?

PERSON 1: Funny you should ask that too.


PERSON 2: Well, Joe Biden got elected in November and takes office Wednesday.

CLUELESS: Joe Biden? That old guy?

PERSON 2: That’s the one.

CLUELESS: He beat Trump?

PERSON 1: That’s the official consensus.

CLUELESS: So, what’s the problem?

PERSON 1: Trump is being impeached.

CLUELESS: Is that still going on from last year?

PERSON 2: No. This is a new one.


PERSON 1: Remember those riots?

CLUELESS: Yeah. What about them?

PERSON 2: Trump’s being blamed for them.

CLUELESS: How’s he reacting to that?

PERSON 1: You can’t say that.

CLUELESS: Can’t say what?

PERSON 2: You can’t say “he.”

CLUELESS: Why not?

PERSON 1: It’s not politically correct. Too gender specific.

CLUELESS: Then what do I say?

PERSON 2: Try, “the person in the White House.”

CLUELESS: Okay. How’s the person in the White House reacting to another impeachment?

PERSON 1: As you might expect.

CLUELESS: Blasting out messages on Twitter?

PERSON 2: Not exactly.

CLUELESS: Whattaya mean?

PERSON 1: No more Twitter account.

CLUELESS: Twitter’s out of business?

PERSON 2: Let’s just say there’s been an issue.

CLUELESS: What else did I miss last year?

PERSON 2: Well, you can’t eat at a restaurant.

PERSON 1: Or go to a ballgame.

PERSON 2: Or visit relatives.

PERSON 1: Or go on any trips.

PERSON 2: Or hug a friend.

PERSON 1: Or go to many workplaces.

PERSON 2: Or go to a movie.

PERSON 1: And lots of kids can’t go to school.

CLUELESS: How do they learn?

PERSON 2: An excellent question.

CLUELESS: How do teachers teach?

PERSON 1: Sometimes virtually. And with great difficulty.

CLUELESS: And many people aren’t working?

PERSON 2: If they are, it’s mainly from home.

CLUELESS: Is anybody making money?

PERSON 1: Sales of sweatpants and potato chips are up substantially.

CLUELESS: Can I go outside?

PERSON 2: If you stay six feet away from everybody.

CLUELESS: How come I don’t have to stay six feet away from you?

PERSON 1: You probably should, but we got the vaccine.

CLUELESS: There’s a vaccine?

PERSON 2: Yep. A couple of them.

CLUELESS: Is everybody getting the vaccine?

PERSON 1: Eventually. If they want it. It’s taking some time.

CLUELESS: Why? Who’s in charge of it?

PERSON 2: The government.

CLUELESS: The government?

PERSON 1: Yes.


PERSON 2: Anything else you want to know?

CLUELESS: No. That pretty much answers all my questions. Except one.

PERSON 1: Sure. What is it?

CLUELESS: Can I go back into my cave now?

PERSON 2: Not until you get tested.


©MMXXI. William J. Lewis, III – Freelance Writer