Now that football is over for the season and before Russia decides whether or not to invade Ukraine, I thought there might be enough of a lull in the action to catch up on what’s going on in the world of tabloid news. As you know, it’s often more exciting than a 4th and goal stand or watching Vladimir Putin play chess on the world stage.

As usual, the British Royal family seems to be the best fodder for the front pages. According to some reports of grocery store checkout line banners, Prince Harry (is he still a Prince?) is begging the Queen to let him come home. Perhaps even he’s afraid out-of-control California social programs will soon require Meghan and him to allow some of LA’s homeless to pitch tents on his estate.

And speaking of the former Ms. Markle, there’s supposedly a big rumor that Camilla was somewhat suspicious of the Royal Actresses’ intentions before Meghan snagged her prince. I don’t know if I’m remembering correctly, but wasn’t the Queen just a tad suspicious of Camilla way back during the pre-Diana time when Charles and she were first an item?

It really doesn’t matter. Especially when you have Duchess Kate in the fold diligently doing her duty for Queen and country. Oh, by the way, if the reports are to be believed, Kate’s expecting twins. I’m not sure she knows that, but that’s the tabloid story. So, it must be true, right?

Of course, the big royal news of the moment is that Randy Andy (or Your Highness Prince Andrew, as he was known to Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell) has opted to make a “substantial donation” to a charity in support of victims’ rights – a charity favored by a woman who had accused him of, well, doing things with her he shouldn’t have when she was 17. (This is a family-friendly column.) By the way, Kate has purportedly said that Andrew is NOT allowed near her children.

But enough about foreign imbroglios. There are tales aplenty to tell here on the domestic front. For example, the Oscars will be hosted this year by not one person but three. Funny ladies Amy Schumer, Regina Hall, and Wanda Sykes will each preside over the festivities for an hour. No doubt Hollywood is really trying to improve the audience ratings for their yearly tribute to make believe, but I don’t know how many red state eyes will be glued to the tube with the venue already an open mic for political posturing and those rather opinionated not-so-conservative women holding court.

On the romantic front, sad to say that reports are Kanye West and Julia Fox are no longer dating. Ditto Senator Cory Booker and actress Rosario Dawson. Uber-gymnast Simone Biles and footballer Jonathan Owens, however, are engaged, so it’s not all about the splits, thank goodness.

Speaking of duos, you know two people that would be fun to watch and listen to together? Joe Rogan and Hillary Clinton. Surely Joe would love to have the former (and future?) presidential candidate on his show. He could casually ask her what she might know about White House servers being tapped into. She then could ask Joe what he’s doing to celebrate Black History month. That episode of Joe’s podcast might rival anything Brit Box or Netflix has to offer.

Meanwhile, Hunter Biden remains . . . somewhere. He’s not Donald Trump’s son, so there doesn’t seem to be much media coverage of his latest dealings. You’d think just publishing the contents of his infamous laptop would be raw meat for the pandering press.

In other quick news, there are reports Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner had a fight in the street, Matthew Perry is looking quite peaked, Brad and Angie aren’t seeing eye to eye, and Jessica Biel has told Justin Timberlake to book a reservation for therapy. Oh, also, the 1000-pound sisters, Tammy and Amy Slaton, sadly have not lost a whole lot of weight.

Finally, in a story just made for grocery-aisle gazing, Texas furniture salesman Jim “Mattress Mack” McIngvale apparently lost a $9.5 million bet picking the Bengals to win the Super Bowl. But don’t feel too sorry for him. He supposedly offered a promotion to customers: Spend $3,000 or more on furniture and it’s free if the Bengals win. He reportedly brought in about $20 million in revenue leading up to the game. Assuming the purchases were non-refundable, that’s a tidy profit.

It’s always fun to peruse the news while checking out at the grocery store. Helps take the edge off spending $7.99 a pound for chicken.


©MMXXII. William J. Lewis, III – Freelance Writer