I don’t know about you, but I’ve had just about enough of this new “normal” that has come along with the Wuhan Wahoo and permeated every aspect of life for the past six months. Frayed nerves, fear of the unknown, constant bickering among leaders and followers alike, limited sports, massive changes in eating habits, schools in turmoil, constrained travel, no hugs, masks, masks, and more masks, and most of all, the major impact on the health of so many.

We’re definitely missing out on a lot of life. And probably will be for at least a few more months. It’s impossible for anyone to predict just how long the pandemic will last. Certainly everyone hopes for a quick resolution. There’s just no way a homemade margarita tastes anywhere near as good as the local Mexican restaurant makes it. (They have better chips and salsa too.)

One of the biggest diversions from everyday routine we’re missing is the fodder usually supplied by the tabloid papers and magazines. I really don’t know how they’re staying in business. There are a few celebrities who have died recently, but that’s just sad and does little to titillate our passion for gossip and tsk-tsking that usually makes the headlines on publications featured in the grocery check-out line so entertaining.

Oh, sure, the tried and true come-ons are still in evidence. Hillary is still seeking revenge against The Donald and every other “deplorable” in the country (and she’s apparently backstabbing the Obamas simultaneously). Speaking of the Obamas, Michelle has “snapped” according to one headline. Don’t know exactly what that means. Usually, a story is a lot less sensational than one is led to believe. As in, maybe the former First Lady broke a pretzel stick in two instead of going crazy. But by the time they’ve seen the facts, shoppers have already bought the paper or magazine.

Of course, Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle are both pregnant again. I’m not sure they know it, but if you read it in the tabloids, it must be true, right? Jay-Z and Beyonce are splitting up. (I think this makes the tenth time in two years that’s happened.) Donald Trump’s name pops-up often, as you would expect. But he’s no longer an alien. His kids, however, are suspect.

One item that caught my eye recently is that it seems Princess Diana is still alive. If true, that news would definitely take our collective minds off Covid for at least a week or two. Maybe she’s living in Los Angeles with Harry. I doubt she’d want to hang around England where she might run into Charles and Camilla. (But if that happened, I believe it would be worth the purchase price of the tabloid to learn all about it.)

Unfortunately, Hollywood isn’t doing its part to provide diversions. With no movie or TV production going on, and new relationships a dangerous proposition at the moment, there is very little for publicists and paparazzi to sell. Usually if all else fails, we can count on a Kardashian or two to gin up interest in something.

That’s not to say they’re not trying. Fun couple Kim K. and Kanye West did their best recently to make us forget about being stuck at home. In case you missed it, Kanye held a press conference or two to announce he was running for President. (Yes, of the U.S.) He wore a bullet-proof vest to at least one of the proceedings and said a few personal things about his wife’s first pregnancy that got multiple tongues wagging. There was subsequent talk of his being bi-polar and Kim even hinting that a divorce might be in the offing.

Now, that may be the kind of departure from the norm we need right now. But surely with all that creative talent in La-La Land somebody can think of something else that would peak our interest. Otherwise, all we’re going to get are stories about how the rich and famous are coping with having to stay at home and make do with their family walks along the beach, fully-equipped home gyms, private swimming pools, movie and video game rooms, and stocked wine cellars.

If you’ve ever wanted to be a writer, now may be your chance. Come up with any story and sell it to a tabloid. Here are a couple of starter topics: My Mother Was A Martian! Masks Cure The Common Cold! (That one may actually be true.) We Are NOT All In This Together. Stay Away From Me! And, Politicians Are People Too!

Well, maybe not that last one. There is such a thing as even a tabloid story being too far-fetched.


©MMXX. William J. Lewis, III – Freelance Writer