Well, well, well. It seems as if the tables have turned on Vlad “The Mad” Putin. At least for a little while. Ukraine soldiers crossed over into the Russian border this past week and took over more than a few towns and villages. The Russian President was outraged at this incursion, going so far as to say in published reports, “It’s obvious that the enemy will keep trying to destabilize the situation in the border zone to try to destabilize the domestic political situation in our country.”

Well, duh. Isn’t that exactly what Russia itself has been trying to do in Ukraine for the past two and a half years?

Putin also reputedly said that Russia’s main task is “to squeeze out, drive the enemy out of our territories . . . to ensure reliable cover of the state border.” I’m pretty sure Ukraine President Zelenskyy could say the same thing about the Russians. Putin also indicated the Ukrainian attack is Kyiv’s attempt to “stop Moscow’s offensive in Ukraine’s Donbas region.”

Again, well, duh.

I don’t know for sure where Vlad “The Mad” physically was when he was expressing his indignation toward Ukraine, which was simply mimicking the same thing Russia keeps doing. Historically though, I believe Russian rulers repair to their dachas outside Moscow or along the Baltic Sea during the summer. Chances are, the conversation between the President and his generals that took place after the Ukrainian invasion put a damper on Putin’s vacation. Perhaps the discussion went something like this.

VLAD: Say what??

GENERAL 1: I said that the cockroach Zelenskyy invaded us.

VLAD: That’s not how this is supposed to go.

GENERAL 2: He’s definitely not playing by the rules.

VLAD: Doesn’t he know who he’s dealing with? He’s poking the Bear. You just don’t do that. What’s going on? You told me two years ago that we go in, we conquer, we get out. Two weeks tops. Do you know how this whole fiasco makes me look?

GEN 1: We have had a setback or two.

VLAD: Do ya think? Not even that little dolt of a despot in North Korea would have screwed something up this badly.

GEN 2: Oh, I don’t know about THAT, sir.

VLAD: So, what are we going to do about this now? Has Ukraine taken over more territory than we have?

GEN 1: I don’t think it’s that bad.

VLAD: Any Russian soil Zelenskyy takes over is too much, you fool.

GEN 2: We do have a plan to propose.

VLAD: I should hope so. Does it include using some BIG weapons we just might have in stock in a silo?

GEN 2: No, but it would involve more troops.

VLAD: That’s not a problem. Just open up another Gulag, give the prisoners uniforms, and send them to the front line.

GEN 1: They’re going to need training and weapons.

VLAD: Half of them are already killers. That’s why they’re in prison in the first place. They don’t need training.

GEN 1: Well, getting them to follow orders isn’t always easy.

VLAD: Shoot a couple who get out of line. That’ll get their attention.

GEN 2: Speaking of guns, we’re running out of them.

VLAD: (Sigh) Okay, call Pyongyang. I’m sure our comrade will be happy to sell us a few thousand more rifles.

GEN 1: Should we pull some of our troops out of Kyiv to help?

VLAD: Nyet! Absolutely not! We have to make this look as if we’re still in total control.

GEN 2: We could say Ukraine isn’t playing fair.

VLAD: Hmmm. Yes. Tell the State press to put out stories that the Ukrainians are targeting civilians and houses and schools. Oh, and hospitals and ambulances.

GEN 2: But that’s not quite true.

VLAD: You know that, and I know that. Just keep saying it over and over. Our people will soon believe it. That always works.

GEN 1: What if we also figure out a way to blame the West.

VLAD: Excellent suggestion! The U.S. and its lapdogs keep supplying Ukraine with missiles and fighter planes. We can say those bombs are the very ones attacking our innocent people.

GEN 2: That’s all well and good, but we still have to get the invaders out.

VLAD: Yes, YOU do. That’s your department. I’ll give you two weeks. There’s just one thing.

GEN 1: And that is?

VLAD: Make me look good when you do it. For now, I need to take off my shirt and go horseback riding. Text me when you’re done.

©MMXXIV. William J. Lewis, III – Freelance Writer