Big doin’s in the UK this past week. No doubt many of you saw some, or even all, of the festivities surrounding the Platinum Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth. If for no other reason, this is a big deal since no other English monarch has managed to stay affixed to the throne for 70 years.

Although we Americans do seem to have a rabid fascination with the Royals, we don’t follow every nuance of the actions of the members of the House of Windsor as true Brits do. But there’s just something about the pomp and pageantry that the English do so well that draws us to them.

The 96-year-old Queen, alas, was unable to make it in person to all the events staged in her honor over the long weekend. She did an admirable job standing, smiling, and saluting the throngs outside the walls of Buckingham Palace for the first day. That’s a pretty tough job for someone her age. Even one as feisty and fanatically devoted to her subjects as QE2. But the effort did take its toll. She begged off appearances at a service of thanksgiving for her at St. Paul’s Cathedral, the annual Epsom Derby, and the tribute concert to her, among other events. The official word was she was in some “discomfort,” but did watch all the proceedings at her Windsor Castle home.

Unfortunately, amongst all the hoopla and goodwill aimed at the Queen, there was some underlying turmoil and Palace intrigue. It seems that’s pretty much par for the course with the offspring of Elizabeth. The spoil-the-party culprits this time were the usual suspects of late, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, or, as we know them in the States, Harry and Meghan. Not only were those two excluded from the waving on the Buckingham balcony and relegated to second tier seats at the church service, they were also booed by some of the commoners lining the streets of London.

It’s been widely reported that Harry and his brother, King-in-waiting William, don’t see eye-to-eye on pretty much everything since the Sussexes renounced their royal duties and hied off to Hollywood and its environs. Because this event is the first time they’ve been physically together for a good long time, it’s fun to speculate on how a conversation might have gone between them and their wives.

HARRY: Willie, old chap, so very good to see you. And Kate, you’re looking radiant.

WILLIAM: Can it, Harry. What is it you want now?

MEGHAN: Why in the world do you think we want anything?

WILLIAM: Well, it’s no secret that all those original money offers you were expecting to have in California seemed to have dried up. Are you looking for Granny to loosen the purse strings?

HARRY: No, of course not. Although now that you mention it . . .

WILLIAM: Forget it. You left Kate and me to do all the work. Not to mention Dad. And we even have to let Camilla pinch hit every once in a while.

KATE: Do you have any idea how many shops I’ve had to tour and gardens I’ve had to dedicate?

HARRY: Hey, you knew what the job was when you took it.

WILLIAM: So did you!

MEGHAN: Yes, but that life just didn’t suit us, did it, Harry?

WILLIAM: Yet, now that you’re running out of money, you want back in, is that it?

HARRY: Perhaps on a part-time basis.

WILLIAM: That’s not how it works.

KATE: William, hold on. Maybe we should at least hear what they’re thinking. After all, Meghan, I thought you did a great job smiling today.

MEGHAN: I AM an actress you know. I CAN play a role. Even though I’m not Miss Perfect like some.

HARRY: All right, all right, no need to call anyone names.

WILLIAM: Just what did you have in mind for this part-time work?

HARRY: Well, maybe Meghan and I could take on some of your duties. You know, go on a Commonwealth tour. Or attend the Derby for you.

WILLIAM: Right. The glamour jobs. Again, it doesn’t work that way, Sport.

KATE: You know, there IS a new landfill site being dedicated next week near Liverpool. That might be the perfect way to ease you two back in.

WILLIAM: Capital idea, Kate. And then next month, that soup kitchen in South London needs some Royal volunteers to boost awareness. You two could commiserate with the clientele about being out of work.

MEGHAN: Harry, this isn’t going as we expected.

HARRY: Do ya think? C’mon, let’s get out of here. We’ll just go see Granny.

WILLIAM: Yeah, well, good luck with that. She’s the one who kept you off the balcony, you know.


KATE: Rather cheeky, weren’t they?

WILLIAM: Indeed.

KATE: But seriously, who’s going to do those landfill and soup kitchen appearances now?

WILLIAM/KATE: Um . . . Camilla!

©MMXXII. William J. Lewis, III – Freelance Writer