Have you been to see Santa yet? Written a letter? Sent an email? You know he’s not going to wait around forever to see what you want under the tree Christmas morning. You have to be an active participant in this. I’ve already put in my request for several items of interest. I will admit many were of the material variety, but I do always like to lead with Peace on Earth and good health. (Ah, if only those wishes were as easy to fulfill as a new camera or movie theater passes for a year or season tickets to the Braves 2020 World Championship year.)
Santa seldom divulges the wants, wishes, and needs of others, but there was, alas, a leak this year from the North Pole. It seems a technologically-challenged elf accidentally sent out a report of some items high on the lists of several prominent people. There was an immediate recall, but fortunately I was able to obtain a quick glance at some desires by the high and mighty for this Christmas season before the whole report was deleted.
For example, I found out Hillary Clinton wants a do-over. That’s really all that’s on her list. She told Santa that if he could make that happen, she would definitely spend time in Michigan and Wisconsin. She’d also smile a little more. And she promised she wouldn’t call Trump supporters “deplorables.” At least not out loud.
Donald Trump had an interesting request of Santa. It seems the President secretly would prefer to be called King Donald, although he told the jolly elf he’d probably take the name Caesar if crowned. And instead of Hail to the Chiefbeing played everywhere he goes, he’d prefer hearty shouts of Hail Caesar. (One big caveat: No one named Brutus would be allowed to reside in the realm.) That would be “huge,” Trump told Santa.
Prince Andrew of Britain asked Santa for “a friend, any friend.” Just as long as the pal wasn’t named Jeffrey, he’s fine with almost anybody else. “He doesn’t even have to own his own island in the Caribbean,” said Andrew’s letter. “A simple penthouse apartment off Park Avenue will be fine.”
Along that same line, Queen Elizabeth wanted to know if Santa could bring her some new children. “I’ll trade,” she implored him. That’s really a stretch for Santa, but Her Majesty probably already has all the kitchen gadgets she needs. And horses and Rolls Royces and palaces. . . . She probably even gets free magazine subscriptions.
Nancy Pelosi wants Alexandria Ocasio Cortez to disappear. “And please take her friends too,” she wrote. “I don’t care where you stash them, just get them out of my hair. I’ll even put up with Schiff and Nadler for another year if you’ll handle the Squad.”
Speaking of Schiff and Nadler, they wrote jointly to Santa and let him know what they wanted, “but only if this impeachment thing doesn’t go over as planned.” Apparently, if the House and Senate proceedings don’t produce the desired results, they’d like Santa to let everyone know “that Donald Trump is really Richard Nixon’s illegitimate son.” (Hey, it might be worth a shot.)
The dozen or so remaining Democratic presidential candidates sent individual missives to Santa, but, frankly, they were all pretty much the same. Each asked in a straightforward way if Santa could get Iowa farmers and the Frozen Chosen in New Hampshire to vote for them. Some offered the elves free peppermint sticks, and one came right out and told Santa there were 18 cartons of Oreos waiting for him down one particular chimney. With milk, of course.
First Lady Melania Trump told Santa she wasn’t going to ask for anything this year. That was until Stanford law professor Pamela Karlan invoked her son’s name at the impeachment hearings. “Take me in your sleigh to her house,” she wrote. “All I want is ten minutes alone with her. And a pair of boxing gloves.” No word on Santa’s reply, although chances are he’d be on the side of the kid.
Now, of course, I only got a glance at these correspondences with Santa, as I said, so some of them may not be totally verbatim. But I think they come close.
However, even though you’re now in on the secrets, it would probably be best if we kept these things to ourselves. I mean, you wouldn’t want YOUR letter to Santa to fall into the wrong hands, would you? Shoot, the Russians might figure out a way to put you on the naughty list.
©MMXIX. William J. Lewis, III