Are you aware that the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics keeps tabs on about 821 different occupations? Included in the top ten as far as numbers are concerned are retail salespersons, cashiers, food prep and serving staff, nurses, waiters and waitresses, secretaries, janitors, and a couple of others you can probably name. Neither teachers nor wood pattern-makers make the list. 

Of the 800 or so other possibilities out there for gainful employment, there are many jobs I can think of that I’d really rather not have. Donald Trump’s food taster for example. Circus elephant stall cleaner. Harvey Weinstein’s PR person. The Boeing 737 MAX designer. 

In a recent report, Mike Rowe, star of the show Dirty Jobs, listed four of the most disgusting jobs he ever tackled: Snake researcher (analyzing reptile vomit), cow inseminator (use your imagination), concrete chipper (jackhammering the inside of a concrete truck), and shark suit tester (letting predators of the deep try and chew you up). 

For me, you can definitely add these two to any “no way” list: Chair of the Democrat Party and Chair of the Republican Party. Up until recently, those were probably pretty good gigs. The pay was undoubtedly nice, you got to hobnob with bigshots, and you just might feel somewhat patriotic doing your duty. But now? What must the atmosphere around those two offices be like every day? 

If you’re supposedly in charge of all things politically Republican, just when you think you’ve got your ducks somewhat lined up, the highest elected official in the land bearing an “R” after his name sends out a Tweet that pretty much guarantees another late night spent trying to find enough rainwater to put out the ensuing fire.

On the one hand, your man in the White House has been somewhat successful in putting gears in motion to do what he said he was going to do – drain the swamp. The fact that he’s gotten so much opposition from the other side is kind of proof of that. But, it works both ways. Established members of your own party are not seeking re-election no doubt in part because they don’t much like seeing the power structure they’re part of being torn asunder.

The far right side of your party faithful are portrayed as gun-totin’, Bible-thumpin’, send ’em all back anarchists. The more moderate members don’t mind a little compromise with the loyal opposition on matters of great import, but would much rather not have to defend their more vocal brethren.  

If you’re the nominal leader of the Democratic political structure, you may be even worse off. At present, your number one job description might be “herding cats.” While virtually all “D” candidates for president keep trying to out-promise more free money to voters, you may have daily conversations with staffers that begin with the thought, “They do realize how much just a trillion dollars is, don’t they? It’s a thousand billion. Or a million million. A million million, for crying out loud.” It seems the wilder the proposal the more attention it gets.  

The “Squad,” featuring Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her cronies, keep you pulling at your hair. They want nothing to do with your plan of action. They feel as if they rule the roost and the rest of the party should bow to their wishes. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi tries desperately to take a dim view of that faction while simultaneously attempting to maintain the mainline self-titled progressive agenda.

And just when you think the opposition leader may have handed you a gift on a silver platter, up pipes Hillary still claiming she won, Adam Schiff making up his own script, Robert DeNiro removing all doubt as to why he should stick to lines written for him, and a picture of Joe Biden playing golf with that guy who paid his son several million dollars.

Speaking of cash, even with all that other stuff going on, as Party Chair you know your real job is to raise tons of it every day, right? I wonder if you could get people to contribute double if you promised to put Gorilla tape over the mouths of every elected official in your party.

Now, no one’s offered me either Chairmanship, but even if they did I think I’d just stick to putting words on paper and viewing the proceedings from afar. Sure it might be interesting to be in the arena for awhile, but I would think you’d get tired of prefacing most of your remarks with the phrase, “What (INSERT NAME) meant to say was . . .” At least that’s something both Chairs have in common.

©MMXIX. William J. Lewis, III – Freelance Writer