Imagine, if you will, you’re a Democratic presidential candidate. I know that’s probably going to be a stretch for any Republican out there, but with the field seemingly growing  exponentially every day, it’s not all that far-fetched to envision your name on a brochure, is it?

Okay, now imagine you’re hiding in an underground bunker somewhere, or a 5-star hotel suite, depending on your donations to date. You’re huddled with your closest campaign advisors preparing for your first debate next week against the other contenders for the throne.

Perhaps the conversation would go something like this:

YOU: Can’t we get something to eat on this campaign besides pizza?

ADVISOR 1: Focus, (YOUR NAME). There’s a Chick-fil-A down the road. We’ll pick you up a sandwich and a lemonade in a few minutes.

ADVISOR 2: Nope. Wait a minute. Can’t do Chick-fil-A. Bad optics. Have you forgotten the trouble in California and New York with the chicken boys and the boycotters a little while ago?

ADVISOR 1: Oh, yeah, you’re right. Okay, Big Macs all around.

YOU: But I like Chick-fil-A.

ADVISOR 2: We do too. But first you win the primary, then maybe you secretly get some waffle fries.

YOU: (sigh) Fine. So what’s my opening statement at the debate? I’m thinking I just say, “Donald Trump is a doofus.”

ADVISOR 1: Well, while that’s probably true, it may be what every other candidate on stage with you says too.

ADVISOR 2: We have to come up with something that gets everyone’s attention. Nine or ten other presidential wannabes are gonna be vying for the spotlight, you know.

YOU: What if I say, “I have proof that Trump’s real name is Trumpinovich and that he and Vladimir Putin are really half brothers”?

ADVISOR 1: That would definitely perk up some ears . . . but it isn’t true.

ADVISOR 2: So what? We don’t have to prove anything right now. It’s a two-minute opening statement. Let’s drop a bombshell.

YOU: That’s what I was thinking. Later on we blame the Russians for providing false information. Meanwhile, now that I’ll have everybody’s attention, I can give a quick synopsis on my plan to run the country.

ADVISOR 1: Oh, oh, how ’bout this too? What if you kind of had a little retch sound in your throat every time you mention Trump’s name. Or, you could just call him “Orange Hair.”

YOU: Isn’t that a little disrespectful?

ADVISOR 1: Hey, it’s Donald Trump.

YOU: True. But maybe after my opening statement I can save the name-calling for my primary opponents. Although you have to admit Orange Hair has come up with some good ones already. Pocahontas, Sleepy Joe, Crazy Bernie, Spartacus, Lightweight Amy.

ADVISOR 2: Might want to steer clear of that. You may need their support later.

YOU: Hey, the tactic worked for Trump in 2016. Remember Lyin’ Ted, Little Marco, and Low Energy Jeb?

ADVISOR 1: Good point.

ADVISOR 2: I’m thinking at this stage of the game it might just be better to go with what you’re going to promise the voters.

YOU: What, you mean like FREE stuff?

ADVISOR 2: Exactly.

YOU: How in the world am I going to out-FREE Bernie and Kamala, Elizabeth and some of the others? They’ve already taken care of healthcare, college, and a guaranteed income. What’s left? Hot dogs and beer?

ADVISOR 1: Now you’re talkin’.

YOU: Hmmm. It is tempting. But, no, I have to stick with what I think is best. I need to be able to tell the audience the kinds of things that will make the country strong again, like people getting ahead after working hard and keeping us out of war and jobs for all.

ADVISOR 2: Boring.

YOU: But that’s what I want to say.

ADVISOR 1: Okay, okay, we get it. And you’re probably right. Forget about the negative stuff, although it’s still okay to take a verbal shot at Orange Hair.

YOU: Good.

ADVISOR 1: The only thing left to make sure you cause a big stir on that stage is what we call Plan B.

YOU: Fine, what is it?

ADVISOR 2: This.

YOU: That?

ADVISOR 1: We think this will definitely make people remember you.

YOU: It’s a Hillary Clinton mask.

ADVISOR 2: Yes, it is. You wear this on stage, all eyes will be riveted on you, and you’ll get the most applause.

YOU: Well, it will get noticed. I don’t have to wear a pantsuit though, do I?

ADVISOR 1: Just the mask.

YOU: Let’s go for it.

Remember, you heard the idea here first.

 

©MMXIX. William J. Lewis, III – Freelance Writer