Now that all the hoopla of the mid-term elections is over and neither Elizabeth Warren nor John Kasich has yet started running TV commercials for the 2020 Presidential sweepstakes, We the People need a diversion. I mean, sure, it may still be fun and entertaining to sit across the Thanksgiving table from family members and friends who are politically polar opposites. But that just makes everyone reach for the Tums instead of another slice of pecan pie.

I think what we all could really use is a good Hollywood scandal, or some brouhaha involving the British royal family. While in line at Kroger this week, I noticed the tabloids are still trying their best to gin up trouble even without much fodder to fan the flames of fandom. The pickin’s are really slim these days.

Oh, the old standbys are there. Hillary’s an alien, Trump really does have a bird’s nest on his head, George Clooney is getting divorced with wife Amal taking half his substantial cash plus the kids. (By the way, George remains ensconced in their Lake Como, Italy, domicile and denies all rumors.)

Jennifer and Brad are getting back together for the 100thtime (and she’s pregnant with somebody else’s baby – again). Several major film stars really don’t look well without make-up, and many have gained well over 100 pounds. Also, the rehab centers continue to feature revolving doors for young (and not-so-young) starlets and leading men.

What really needs to happen to set tongues wagging is for one of the grocery store stories to actually be true. For example, what if the Enquirerand its ilk are correct and a dying Queen Elizabeth really has stepped down, relinquishing the throne not to Charles and Camilla, but bypassing her son and bestowing the crowns on Kate and William instead?

The New York Timesobviously couldn’t break that kind of bulletin because many might assume it’s just fake news. No, that kind of reporting is best left to those who do it best – the gonzo journalists who go right to the source, like butlers and chambermaids, and limo drivers – the people who are really in the know about such matters.

A shake-up at Buckingham Palace would surely be fuel for holiday conversation that probably wouldn’t lead to familial fisticuffs. Sure, there would be Charlie loyalists, but the many who have never forgiven him for dissing Diana would no doubt quickly put an end to that sentiment.

But even that might not be enough to carry the entire conversation, especially as the turkey feast extends into leftovers on Friday and pizza on Saturday. Where the heck is Brittany Spears or even Paris Hilton when you need them? (And please, no Kardashians.) What’s needed is something Hollywood sometimes actually does well – a sequel.

For example: Those of a certain age will well remember the juicy details of the rumormongering surrounding Eddie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Elizabeth Taylor, and Richard Burton. For the uninitiated, Debbie and Liz were best buddies back in the late 1950s. That is, until Ms. Taylor spirited Ms. Reynolds’ husband Eddie away from hearth and home. And then along comes Sir Richard, and Liz dumps Eddie like a hot knish. (Burton also shed his then-current wife in the process as well, but she never gets any press.) Now THERE’S something to talk about. Everybody can “tsk-tsk-tsk” together.

Alas, neither today’s screen stars nor their scandals seem as big as they used to. Who’s the John Wayne of today? In all probability, it’s a comic book hero. But make-believe idols seldom have relationship issues that make headlines. How about a Bette Davis? I suppose you could make a case for Meryl Streep, but she just seems to go to work, get another Oscar nomination, and go home.

Now if a Harvey Weinstein-type uproar were to break again, that would sell papers. And really give rise to opinions. But that’s not the same. It’s much too controversial. People fooling around is one thing. Being madeto fool around is much more onerous, and is hardly dinnertime talk, especially with the nearby kids’ table full of perked up ears.

There’s definitely enough time left for a solid scandal to hit the front page. Let’s just avoid anything emanating from either end of Pennsylvania Avenue. (Yes, I know, I’m pipe-dreaming.) So get with it, Hollywood and/or London. The ball’s in your court. The ink is ready. Start the outrage now. Hit us with that malicious gossip. We can take it. It can’t be any more galling than what we’ve just been through.

 

©MMXVIII. William J. Lewis, III – Freelance Writer