Have you ever undergone a background check? By the FBI or anybody? Maybe you’ve applied for an information-sensitive post at a federal agency, wanted to be a teacher, thought about law enforcement, or you were just an independent contractor looking to take part in a project that gave you access to secret data. Most of the time, those checks are pretty routine, a basic safety measure taken to weed out folks who just might not be suitable for certain types of employment.

Fingerprinting is one of the quickest “who’s-good-and-who’s-not” tests that can be given. Every cop show has had the obligatory scene where the accused perpetrator is required to get inked-up and roll his/her fingertips across a piece of paper. If ever in your life you’ve been up to no good, chances are your prints will give you away. With the vast databases now available to even the Barney Fifes of the world, it’s hard to avoid detection. Even if you’re squeaky clean but have worked for a financial enterprise, school system, government entity, or myriad other businesses, your “no-two-are-the-same” identification prints are readily available to authorities.

If you have a criminal history, even of a minor infraction, when the FBI looks, it’ll be in your file. I don’t know if that includes things such as speeding tickets, but I would guess that if you’ve been caught doing 110 mph in a 35 mph zone, that kind of reckless behavior is gonna get flagged.

The more sensitive the position to which you aspire, the deeper the dig into just what kind of person you are. Checking into your credit history would no doubt be on the list. That doesn’t mean you won’t get the job if you have 15 outstanding credit card balances, two car payments, a mortgage, and three student loans. (That would make you a normal American.) But if there are some negative entries, they may delay the process. Plus, and this is just a guess, if the FBI suspects you may be having money issues, it may think you’re liable to seek out Vinny the Nose on a local street corner in search of some fast cash. I believe it frowns on those transactions.

If you’re really talking about a big-time job with all kinds of security clearance or decision-making authority, especially as it pertains to a government position, then the Fibbies probably will have a chat with friends, relatives, and neighbors. I once had the Feds call me about a neighbor. He was a very friendly guy, and unbeknownst to me, was about to work on a super-secret project at his place of business. The questioner wanted me to be brutally honest, so I felt compelled to tell him that while he had always been a stand-up citizen, there were two instances where he had failed to pull his garbage container off the street and return it to his house within a reasonable amount of time on trash day. The questioner didn’t think that would disqualify him, but thanked me for being so observant and thorough.

Since any prospective employee’s life is apparently fair game, I wonder how detailed the FBI questions get when talking with known associates of the jobseeker. If the example of the last couple of weeks is any indication, they definitely ask about party habits and beverage consumption. Those are evidently important elements, especially in determining a person’s fitness for a high position. But do they also query friends about events such as:

“When you were nine years old, did you ever witness NAME go into a comic book store, sit, and read the latest adventure of Archie and Jughead, then get up and leave without purchasing so much as a jawbreaker?”

Or, “In middle school, did NAME ever call your math teacher “Lucifer” behind her back because he thought she just had to be in league with the devil?”

Or, “If NAME found a dollar on the ground, would he share the candy bar he bought with it or eat the whole thing himself right in front of you?”

Now, see, that’s being thorough, and tells a lot about the character of a person from childhood. Of course, memories can be a little spotty, especially when they have some age on them.

I’m just thankful I haven’t been nominated for any sensitive post. Not that I have anything to hide, mind you, but if that kid in 4thgrade ever divulged that I paid him to circumvent the “Five Cookies Only” rule and buy me extra Oreos in the cafeteria line, well, who knows where that might lead.

 

©MMXVIII. William J. Lewis, III