Time once again for a trip down the supermarket checkout aisle in the world of tabloid trash . . . I mean, journalism. It’s always good to catch up on what’s really important in the world since newspapers and broadcast outlets seldom stray too far afield from war, pestilence, natural disasters, and boring political proceedings (with the usual backbiting found therein).

For the true pulse of the people, though, it’s best to be stuck behind a shopper with two carts full of foodstuffs. That gives you ample time to quickly catch up on the real issues of the day and the trials and tribulations of the rich and famous we all want to know about.

This week, the year 1969 is taking center stage. As the movie Chappaquiddick debuts, the debacle featured therein is helping those of a certain age rekindle memories of the incident that pretty much ended Ted Kennedy’s chances of ever becoming President. In a nutshell, the Senator drove his car off a bridge and his passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne, drowned in the water below.

At the time, Chappaquiddick was really a tabloid tale that told itself. Teddy reportedly walked away from the scene, went back to a house where both he and the young lady had been partying with his late brother Bobby’s campaign staffers, told the Kennedy family lawyer instead of the police, waited until morning to report the incident, and showed up for a press conference wearing a neck brace. The new twist to sell more papers now is that Mary Jo was pregnant, with the insinuation, of course, that Teddy was the father. Amazing that this tidbit of information didn’t surface 49 years ago, but that’s what good investigative journalism is all about.

Speaking of Bobby, one paper reported that the CIA ordered his murder. And while we’re on the subject of assassinations, it seems Richard Nixon, in cahoots with Lyndon Johnson, conspired to have Jack Kennedy killed, and FBI director J. Edgar Hoover ordered Martin Luther King to be shot. (You really have to watch those FBI directors. Just ask Donald Trump.)

As usual, the British royals are fodder for scandal. I’m surprised the BBC failed to mention it, but if the headlines are true, William and Kate are now King and Queen. As yet, there’s been no public response from Elizabeth, or Charles for that matter. But that’s not surprising. Because Charles is making news of a different kind. It seems he has not one love child, but four, count ’em, four. No names were released, but rumor has it they all have big ears. Oh, and the Queen (at least we think she’s still Queen) simply can’t abide Harry’s bride-to-be, Meghan Markle.

According to the tabloids, Hollywood royals have been busy as well. Alas, George Clooney and his wife, Amal, are getting divorced. No word yet on how they’ll divide up the twins. Bill Cosby has a secret son, but that’s probably the least of his worries right now. Jennifer Anniston and ex-husband Justin Theroux made their weekly appearance on the front page. Justin apparently is in hot water over a little cocaine matter, and Jen is getting back with Brad yet again. Oh, Brad has given his blessing to Angie to marry some English gazillionaire and move the kids to London. And here’s a big story that was not the lead on Fox: CNN’s Anderson Cooper has dumped his boyfriend.

In other checkout news, Mick Jagger is a secret Scientologist. And Hillary Clinton, sadly, has brain cancer. Fortunately, though, it’s also reported that the Clinton Foundation received millions from the Russians, so there’s plenty of money to pay for treatment.

One magazine has an ongoing feature called something like, “Stars without make-up.” Intrepid photographers hit the jackpot when they’re able to snap a pic of a supposed glamour queen taking out the trash without benefit of Maybelline and Max Factor. Turns out these “natural” beauties look pretty much like the rest of us first thing in the morning.

It seems impossible, but apparently the Kardashians have lost a bit of luster. They still make appearances on the newsstand, but they’re relegated to a corner of the front page now, and it’s always the same story about yet another baby and/or spousal infidelity. Blake Shelton gets a lot of face time, mainly for dumping Miranda Lambert and Gwen Stefani searching continually, if the story is to be believed, for a younger woman willing to produce some babies.

And then there’s Stormy Daniels. But that’s another story. You may now return to your regular boring news.


©MMXVIII. William J. Lewis, III – Freelance Writer