Let’s just say, for the moment, that you are Donald Trump. I know that’s an anathema to some, but this is just pretend. Even though you’re on a working vacation on the Jersey shore and NYC, the world doesn’t seem to care much about your needed time off. There you are trying to get a little golf in, maybe take a boat ride, toss a ball with Barron, build a sand castle or two with your grandchildren, or kick back and relax for at least part of the time. But the rest of the planet will have none of it.
AIDE: Good morning, Mr. President. Off to the first tee?
TRUMP: Thought I’d get in a quick nine.
AIDE: Very good, sir. But before you go, I just thought you’d like to know that the North Koreans are saying their army is on standby to launch a few nukes onto the American mainland and are, “waiting for an order of final attack.”
TRUMP: So basically the situation is normal.
AIDE: Well, yes, I guess you could say that.
TRUMP: Make a note to call Xi Jinping in China again. And Dennis Rodman. Maybe between the two of them Kim Jong Un will understand the concept of, “You can’t win, dude.” Anything else?
AIDE: Along the same line, the folks on Guam are a little uneasy, or maybe petrified is a better word.
TRUMP: It’s a beautiful place. They’re getting tons of free publicity. Great for tourism.
AIDE: Yes, sir, but the residents are concerned their island may not be there tomorrow.
TRUMP: Now, you see, that’s something Kim should be thinking about for his own people. We done here?
AIDE: Just a few other items. It seems there were some protestors in Texas marching against a border wall. Also, the White Supremacists, neo-Nazis, Skinheads, and KKK are up in arms. And riptides are responsible for more people drowning this year than last.
TRUMP: Were the marchers illegal immigrants by chance? What happened in Charlottesville was absolutely horrible. And what in the world do riptides have to do with me?
AIDE: Nothing I know of, sir, but you know the media.
TRUMP: All too well. Yes. Anything else?
AIDE: Mitch McConnell called.
TRUMP: I’m not in.
AIDE: That’s what we told him.
TRUMP: What else? I really need to hit the practice green.
AIDE: Uh, let’s see. Well, Venezuela seems to think your consideration of a military option in regard to the crises in that nation is “an act of madness.”
TRUMP: Look, I’ve said it before, it’s just like in North Korea. The citizens are suffering, and they’re dying. The government can’t feed the people. They don’t even have toilet paper, for cryin’ out loud. And I only said we have many options, including possibly military, if necessary. Didn’t I say, “if necessary?”
AIDE: Yes, sir, I believe you did.
TRUMP: Mike Pence is headed to South America. He knows what to do.
AIDE: No doubt. Oh, Kenya’s in an uproar too.
TRUMP: Of course it would be. Might as well have a crisis on every continent. Were the opposition protestors throwing rocks again?
AIDE: Yes, but the police had guns.
TRUMP: Any talk about Russian involvement in those elections?
AIDE: I don’t think so, sir.
TRUMP: Wouldn’t surprise me.
AIDE: Speaking of which, Special Investigator Mueller wants to talk with some of the White House staff – past and present.
TRUMP: Tell him to drill Priebus. And remind me to fire a couple of other people this afternoon, just to keep in practice. So now are we done?
AIDE: Just one more thing we thought might lighten up your day. Did you hear about the couple that bought the private street in San Francisco where people such as Senator Feinstein and Minority Leader Pelosi have lived? It seems as if they might charge the residents to park on their street.
TRUMP: Really? Now why didn’t I think of that?
AIDE: Uh, you’re smiling, sir.
TRUMP: Am I?
AIDE: You knew about this already, didn’t you?
TRUMP: All I’ll say is, I’m a real estate guy. And a street is real estate.
AIDE: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: Save any other stuff ’til this afternoon. I’m sure it’s not going away.
AIDE: Should we call you if anything happens?
TRUMP: Of course. But not during my backswing. Let me have at least one moment of peace.
AIDE: Hit ’em straight, sir.
TRUMP: Can’t say that anymore. Not politically correct.
AIDE: Oh, right. Hit ’em with a pleasant trajectory then.
Vacation indeed. And that’s with Congress in recess.
©MMXVII. William J. Lewis, III